Well It's That Month Again!
I truly hate the month of February
This month is one of the hardest months of my life, and it doesn't get any easier as the years go by. Everyone tells you when you are little that in time pain goes away when you lose someone you love, but that's not true. I have lost so many people over the years, and it has never gotten easier. There have been days that I forgot the day because I was so busy with life going on around me that I didn't know what day it was, but as soon as I realized, it just hurt as if it happened all over again because at that point I felt bad for forgetting the day. I think maybe I put a lot of that on myself, but I just hold on to memories as if I am reliving them daily. Some of the memories I have are hard to relive, but unfortunately, I don't get to pick and choose which ones I see in my head daily. The ones that pop in my head on a daily basis this month though is my family who has passed.
On the 16th of February 2002 is the anniversary of my Grandma's death, and it hurts as if it was yesterday because I never got the chance to say goodbye to my Grandma. I didn't find out until almost midnight because my first husband decided that he didn't want to bother me at work at my new job I just started, so he didn't tell me until after I got home that night. When I found out I just went into my living room and cried by myself with my baby in my arms because my husband went to bed because he had to work in the morning. That was one of the hardest nights of my life. I never felt whole again after that night. I haven't ever celebrated Valentines day since my Grandma passed because of the 14th of February was the last day I got to speak to my Grandma and see her. A part of me broke into a million pieces that day. Then on the 10th of February 2012, my Grandpa had passed away. I lived out of town at the time, and by the time I made it to his house, he was already gone. Then on the 22nd of February, my grandma and grandpa had both been buried on the same day. Then on the 22nd of February 2016, my Aunt Pam passed away from cancer. Two years before she had passed, here and I got into a huge argument and stopped talking to one another. When she was passing, here and I were still not talking and she passed away without me ever getting a chance to say goodbye.
Then in 2006 one of my very good friends that I truly loved with all my heart got in car accident and died at the age of 22 a week before his daughters first birthday. At that point I started distancing myself from people because I couldn't handle losing people any longer. SO at that point I secluded myself and lived my life with just a few choice people around me. I got divorced in 2009, then I moved a few time got married and divorced a couple more times, and now I am living in Florida. I lived my life a bit without losing anyone and I found a little bit of happiness along the way. Then last year when I went through my third divorce, I took a vacation and started living again instead of feeling like life had ended. Then if August, I met up with some old friends and found out their Grandma was passing so I went to pay my respects. Then after saying my goodbyes, I lost another friend from a brain aneurysm in September. Then two weeks later another friend had passed due to a heart attack. Then the month after that, a friends dad was in the hospital passing and died in November along with one of my best friends dad's as well. Then it went on to the person who gave me my very first tattoo had passed in December, and then in January my third husband just gave me the news that he is dying of cancer of the brain, SO it has not started out to be the best year either.
All of the loss, and life change that has been going on, with me switching careers also, has just become very overwhelming. I truly don't know how much more I can handle. It truly starts to weigh on a persons heart and make them feel the heaviness of the burdens on their shoulders. I don't get to the gym as often as I use to, and that has taken a toll on my mental health as well. Sometimes I think it would be easier to join everyone that isn't on this earth any longer because then I wouldn't feel the pain of all the this anymore, as well as I wouldn't feel like a burden on the people around me with all the mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis. I feel like life would be much easier for the people around me if I wasn't in their life any longer, or if I just wasn't on this earth to be a burden anymore. I just wish it didn't hurt so much all the time. I know I am supposed to be an inspiration to others, but sometimes its hard to be that person for everyone around you. Sometimes I can be in a room full of people, and I feel totally alone! I know that depression makes you think and feel things that are probably not true, but its so hard to not think those things about yourself when you feel the whole world around you getting mad for not being available for everyone all the time.
I have fans mad at me for not having the time to make videos, I have people mad at me for not working when I am trying to make the videos, but I am suppose to be doing demo on a shower wall. They comment that I am sitting in the car not working, when in fact I am trying to get a video uploaded so that I don't disappoint my fans while trying to please everyone. I truly don't know how I am standing being pulled in all different directions. I feel like I don't even have time to do my laundry or clean my house because I'm so mentally exhausted from driving three hours a day for work to a job that's hard as fuck, and I'm breathing in dust all day. My life has definitely turned around and this month is just hard to deal with as it is. I want to just give up so badly this right now, I feel like I have nothing holding me here anymore. Some days, it just gets to be to much. I am still here somehow, no matter how hard it gets.
I still have my boyfriend here trying to reassure me that I am loved and that I need to not worry because things will be ok. I know that he is right, and I know in the end it will all be ok because it always is, but it's still hard while you are going through it. For now I am going to look at it like one door closing for another to open. Not only did I lose family and friends last year, but I also lost my main Onlyfans page, and most of my income at the end of last year. With all of that loss, I still managed to change my life and start doing construction for a living; I am laying tile now. I do have that to be grateful for otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep the roof over my head, and food in my fridge, and a bed to sleep in. I will never be ungrateful, but hurt more than anything. Well I cant remember where I was going with the rest of this blog, so I am going to end it right here. I hope you all have an amazing day/night, I am off to bed, Night all.
Until next time, Blessed be!