It's March Again

What depression really feels like from my point of view...

24 MAR 2022By Kandie Angel

I can't believe that it's already March 2022. This last year came and went so fast that I feel like my head is spinning. I have been having a hard time this month with my depression. I am doing my best to keep my head above water, but some days are just harder than others. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts a lot lately, and I can't seem to shake it. I try to put on a happy face for everyone around me, while every time I get a second alone I burst into tears for no reason at all. I just don't want to be here anymore some days, and other days I feel fine. I don't take medication and I refuse to be put on that stuff. I won't have it in my body, so dealing with this alone without having a support system of friends and family, makes it really hard to deal with this alone. I feel like I make everyone around me unhappy most of the time, so I feel like things would be easier without me here.

Half the time my boyfriend is distant from my own actions of getting frustrated, my roommate/best friend barely talks to me anymore, and we live in the same house, and my boys work all the time and can't spend much time with me anymore. It's all starting to weigh on me. I feel like I am losing control and all I want to do is end my life so I won't be a burden on anyone any longer. I feel like I am always letting everyone down and people around me would be better without me in their life. I feel like all I ever do is make everyone mad or upset because I am indecisive or can't make up my mind about anything, even something as simple as what to eat. It is a struggle for me to clean my house some days, even though I have so much energy to fill a kindergarten class, I can't seem to focus my energy on anything other than the feelings I can't shake. I can't keep going on feeling like this. I just wish I could escape from the world for a bit and make this feeling go away.

When I write these blogs, I write them so that others can try to relate to the things that I write. I am writing this one because I don't always post the bad stuff or bad days that I have because I try to stay positive for everyone, and I try to keep a smile on my face when the whole world feels so big. Then there are some days, that I don't write about, and I don't post because I feel so much pain that I can't get past it some days. That is the last thing that people want to read. They want something positive and hopeful to read to give them something to look forward to when everything seems too much. Well today I wanted to write about things that are real. Things that most people don't like to talk about because it's just to hard to swallow. Some days I wake up feeling like the world is just too much, and the last couple days, no matter how much fun I'm having, no matter how amazing the day seems to be going, I still wake up feeling broken.

Someone once told me that progress is a process, and in order to make it you have to realize that it's always going to take work. You can be happy and live your life the way you want, and still have to work hard everyday to keep a smile on your face. Then there are those days you wake up like you can conquer the world. That is the struggle with depression; You wake up feeling as if you are the biggest burden to everyone around you, and other days you feel like you love life and you are invincible. You feel as if peoples lives would be easier without you in them. The struggle that most people have with depression, is the fact that you don't truly know which feelings are truly validated, and which ones are actually how things are going on around you. When you have depression, it's hard to be in a relationship due to the fact that you are extremely insecure thinking all kinds of things your significan't other is thinking or feeling about you, and you truly don't know if that's how they really feel. Your brain plays tricks on you to challenge yourself to fight those feelings.

When you struggle with depression alone, you form a habit of over analyzing everything you have ever know in your life. You start to believe the thoughts in your head, when you have no one to argue against those feelings. You tend to feel as if the world is too heavy to carry anymore. Your thoughts become heavy and consuming, and you start to lose yourself if you don't pull yourself out of the funk fast enough. I feel like these are all the things that the doctors ignore and just try to shove meds in your face. I refuse to go take a bunch of pills that the doctors try to shove down my throat because I have taken those pills that the doctors gave me before, and they made me feel worse every time I would forget to take a dose. If I missed a day all together, the rest of the week would be miserable for me trying to get back to some sort of normal. I feel as though maybe publishing this blog is a bad idea because the world doesn't want to hear me complain and be sad about my life that looks so great from the other end of the screen. I want everyone to know that even for me life isn't anywhere near perfect or filled with all kinds of magnificent things. My life is filled with hard choices that I have to make everyday just to get out of bed in the morning.

I don't get the chance to lay in bed all day and sleep the depression away because I know at the end of the day, that I don't have the choice to sleep my life away until it ends. I only have the choice to get up out of bed everyday and put a smile on my face when all seems lost, and to push myself to turn on that screen and connect with the outside world. I know that in this life, you have to know when it's time to move forward, or give up. I am getting to a point in my life where I want to just give up, but something inside of me wont let myself. I can't let go because I know people rely on me and need me around. For what reason, I don't exactly know, I just know that I am needed and I have a purpose that I just can't figure out yet. Maybe that is how it's suppose to be, I still need to figure it out, but I wish I had a clue. lol

The whole reason I decided to publish this blog and not be ashamed of what I am feeling, is because I hide a lot of the pain from the world. The world doesn't need more depressing and painful shit, so I try to keep a smile on my face and show the happy side of me, but that's not always the real me. Some days, the real me cries to herself in the shower wondering why I don't have a clue what I am doing wrong in this life, and why does someone like me has to feel like I am being tortured for no reason. Then there are days where I feel like I am on top of the world, and I can't fail at anything. I truly don't know where I was going with all this that I have written, other than no matter how hard life gets, you just can't give up. I have a tattoo on the side of my neck that says H.O.P.E. and it stands for Hold On Pain Ends. No matter how hard life gets sometimes, I stop and remind myself of those four little letters, and I keep on pushing.

On the days I feel like I am becoming overwhelmed, I have to take a second to breathe and remember that I must be a badass bitch if I can go through that not only on a daily basis, but sometimes every hour and still seem somewhat well adjusted for the world to want to hear what I have to say. When those days get so hard that it feels like the world is crashing down, you have to distract yourself and keep yourself busy to push those horrible thoughts right out of your head before they Start renting out space in your head. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the fact that I haven't been working out much anymore because this last year had some bumps in the road that I am still trying to get over. I kind of lost track of time and in no time I lost my motivation to keep going. I need to get back in the right headspace because it is truly starting to effect my daily life. I need to find a way to get myself back on track with my goals that I set for myself a long while ago. I might have lost touch with myself lately, but that doesn't mean I wont come back better than ever. I just need to climb this mental wall I built for myself. Already, just writing this blog has helped me to see some of the things that I need to start working on mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Well y'all, it's 1:23am and I finally had time to sit down and write this blog, but now I am ready to get some sleep. So I hope you all have a lovely morning/day, and I will see y'all on the flipside.

Blessed Be,
Kandie Angel