I get knocked down

But I get up again

28 MAY 2021By Kandie Angel

I have been through a lot since I last updated you all. I got married, then went through a divorce, my son got in a car accident, I bought a new home and moved, I got hurt as well, and haven't been able to work this last month. But how about we start at the beginning. For those of you that are new, I am going to catch you up a little bit. This way no one will feel like they have no clue what's going on with me.

Back in November I got married for the third time, only to begin the new year in divorce. I finalized my divorce the second week of April, and moved into my new home a week after that. My life seems to be getting back on track. Well it was, until I woke up in pain one day, and had no clue what had happen to me. A couple days after I got back from Colorado, I woke up with the worst stiff neck of my life. Little did I know, that pain was going to last for a while. It went from being a stiff neck, to radiating pains shooting from my neck all the way down my arm to my fingers. Then I slowly started losing feeling in my fingers, and they started going numb. I finally got an MRI, so I am just waiting to hear back on that. I will keep you updated.

My son got in an accident this past month and ended up denting up his car pretty good. Now it's parked in my driveway, waiting for someone to help me find parts to fix it for him. He hasn't driven much since, so I think it might have traumatized him a bit because he hasn't really wanted to leave the house since. His friends haven't been able to come visit either because of how far we live, so I think that is bumming him out as well. Hopefully their parents will let them come out next weekend because I am throwing him a graduation party.

I finally got everything all moved in and unpacked, except for couple of boxes left in Roller's room. It's so nice to have everything put where it goes, all the art and pictures hung up on the walls, and all my house organized. It is truly nice having all the space. We got a hot tub for the back screened in patio, and it has been a god send with the pain in my shoulder. I have never owned a hot tub before, and I have only used it a couple times so far, but it has definitely been worth the purchase. I also recently purchased a new couch for my new living room, and a new bed for my room.

I figured, since I am starting fresh after my divorce as well as recently moving into my new home, I might as well start out right by getting things I have never purchased for myself without a husband buying it for me. It is really refreshing to be able to purchase these things for myself without feeling guilty, or being told that I shouldn't spend the money. I worked my butt off this year, from the beginning of January, and paid off all my debt on my own, I put a huge down-payment down on a house, and barely even noticed the money leaving my bank, and I was able to buy the things for my self that I have needed without having help from someone.

Being out of work this last month as well as not being able to workout, has really put me back into a depressive state. I have been feeling really down, and not wanting to do anything. I have felt as if life is getting harder by the day because I wake up in pain, throughout the day I get shooting pains throughout my left arm and shoulder, and at night I toss and turn in pain unable to get any sleep. I don't know how much longer I can handle living my days like this in pain feeling like I am going to drop my phone every time I try to pick it up, or when I turn my head the wrong way and get a jolting pain down my spine that just stops me dead in my tracks no matter what I am doing.

Hopefully the doctors will have some answers tomorrow, when I go in for my results from the MRI. The last time I needed to have an MRI done, it was for my lower spine. The month before my 36th birthday, I was diagnosed with Levo-scoliosis in my L3,L4,L5, & S1. Then a week before my appointment to get my MRI done, I slipped down a flight of stairs and straightened my own spine. So when I got the MRI done, they said all they could find was Arthrosis in my lower spine. Doctor recommended physical therapy for it, so I did that for about six months. Never once did it help. Then a week before my birthday this year around April 16th, or 17th, I woke up with this stiff neck, and it progressed into the worst pain I have ever come to encounter in the whole 41 years I have been alive.

Another crazy thing that happened to me this year, was when I got ghosted by 2 different people. I went on a date with this guy named Robert. He seemed like such a great guy, but I told him right away my situation, so he would understand why I didn't want to jump right into a new relationship. He agreed to being friends and getting to know one another. We talked almost every single day for over a month, and went out on a date twice. We were planning on meeting a third time when I got back from Colorado this last time, but then he just vanished!

He sent me a message the morning we were suppose to meet, said he would chat with me later as he was on his way to the gym to honor his vow of getting fit for me, and then I never heard back from him again. I tried calling, and it goes straight to voicemail, I tried texting, and still no answer, and I even tried with my business phone line just to make sure I wasn't being ghosted, but still goes straight to voicemail. I just really wish I knew if he was ok or not. I hate not knowing if something might have happened to him. He might have died in a car accident on the way to the gym, or heart failure after the gym, I will never know...

Another thing similar to that happened to me as well. I have a fan that has been following me and my journey since January 1st 2021, then on May 6th, he just stopped messaging. I have been going through a rough patch with Adam, as we decided to stay friends. It's not easy staying friends with your ex, when you still have very strong feelings for one another. We decided to remain friends because we were friends before we dated, so we are trying to hold on to that friendship. Well recently, him and I got in a big argument, that I ended up posting about on my snapchat story. Ever since that day, I haven't heard from Kyle, and he hasn't even checked my messages. Could be that he decided to stop following me because of my recent negativity about Adam, or he died while he was hiking one day, or eaten by his dogs perhaps, I'll never know...

The reason that worries me though, isn't because I lost a fan or even lost a friend, it's the fact that the guy would hike about 40,000 steps or more a day, by himself, with his two dogs out in the middle of nowhere in Minnesota. If something were to happen to him, I would have no way of reaching him, or getting ahold of anyone to find out if he is ok. It sucks when I put my fans on a personal level of friendship, but they don't do the same with me. I guess I really need to start separating my personal life from my persona a little better. I just hate losing someone I have grown to care about.

I also got some tattoo work this year, and I have an appointment to get more in a couple days. I was hurting so badly from my divorce, and I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how to release the pain I was feeling, so I decided to get some tattoos. I didn't just get one tattoo either, So far, I've gotten over 16 tattoos, and I'm excited to get more. I'm on a journey to get 75% of my body covered in tattoos. It's crazy, I went most of my life with just a few tattoos that were significantly large. I always felt like I shouldn't get more tattoos because I was getting older, and I thought maybe they wouldn't look right on me any longer. Boy, was I extremely wrong?!? The more tattoos I add to my body, the more I feel like I am growing into my own skin!

The best thing though that has happened this year, is the fact that I finally had the chance to meet my oldest brother Tom, and my three beautiful nieces, Lynsey, Jaycey, and Bayley. I drove up to Orlando when my brother was out visiting his girls at Disney, and I had so much fun spending the day with them watching a movie under the stars, and hanging out getting to know everyone. I truly had the best time. It was the first time in my life, that I didn't feel like I was going to be judged. My older brother and his family are such amazing people, and I am thoroughly going to enjoy getting to know everyone from my dad's side of the family.

After all that I have been through this year, no matter how hard it has been or how tough life may seem, this year truly put me on the right path to self discovery! I am figuring out who I am as a woman, and what I am truly capable of when I set my mind to something. Life has many challenges, and I am sure there are plenty more for me to encounter along the way. I just have to keep my head high to keep pushing forward, even when it feels as if I am drowning. Life might seem hard for some right now, but it only gets better as you go, and easier as you learn.

Until next time,
Blessed Be!

Kandie Angel