What having depression is like for me

01 OCT 2020By Kandie Angel

I have always hid this part of me, or been in total denial about having depression because I have never wanted someone to judge me for that reason. Trying to share this part of me with the world is very hard because I am truly afraid of what the world will say, when they find out that I am not this proper put together woman with everything going perfectly. How will I be judged for not being perfect. Why can't I just hide that part of me from the world forever? Why can't I just never tell anyone about that, hide it from the world, and always feel alone?

Well this is the thing, I can. I could hide that part of me from the world, let everyone think that I am some pretty woman who has her shit together. But that wouldn't be me, and I would be lying if I tried. I wrote this today because I am tired of hiding the person that doesn't have it all together, the person who has so many flaws, she can barely see her own reflection in the mirror. I am a girl who can't figure out this thing called life, no matter how hard I try. I have tried to make friends, and most of them have turned out to be just men trying to sleep with me. I might come across as some sexy woman who puts her body online, and that might make you think that I am some sex crazed nympho, but I am far from it. I am first, and foremost a mom! I take care of my son, and my dogs, and they are my first priority!

Trying to deal with depression while others rely on you, is extremely hard. At the same time, it also helps me focus on other stuff instead of all the things that make me want to spiral. I tend to spiral often too because most days I have a lot of people stressing me out. For me, spiraling is thinking some of the worst things about myself, such as: I'm not good enough, I am not being the best mom I can be, I could be doing more important things with my time instead of trying to make a career out of the things I love to do, etc. I just wish that I could help others to understand how fragile I truly am, and how little I have left before I truly break into pieces.

I talk about running away often, but I am right where I want to be. I just need to learn how to clear all this negative energy from the space around me. I need to rid the toxic energy from my life that I have let in, and I need to learn to say no to others when I feel as though I am about to fall apart. I need to try to find a way to express to others what I am going through, without making them feel as though I am running away from the world around me. I truly need to stop trying to run away from the world around me, and start facing my fears head on! I still am having a hard time writing this blog because I feel as if the whole world is about to take a microscope into my soul, and tell me everything that is wrong with me. I don't know why I try to hide my flaws from the world, I shouldn't care about what others think of me. I should be happy with who I am, but it's hard to be happy when the people around you are not always supportive. It is also hard to share my life with the world, when I get ridiculed every day for who I am half the time.

That is some of what I struggle with on a daily basis due to having depression. The funny thing is, people probably don't even think about me half as much as I worry about. I should stop caring what others think in regards to me having depression because it's a part of me. I should learn to be happy with who I am, and I am slowly getting there. It is just taking me one day at a time to get there, and I am taking one step at a time moving forward. What matters, is the fact that I am not moving in the wrong direction. It's not easy being me, like everyone seems to think. I hear people whispering, "She thinks she is better than everyone.". In reality though, I think I have more flaws than most, and this list would go on for hours.

Dealing with depression is not an easy thing to deal with. Everyday you feel as if life is too hard to deal with, and the people around you would be better off without you. You feel as though dying is the only option left because your life is meaningless and worthless. You feel as though you are a burden to everyone and everything you come in contact with, and suicide becomes almost a daily part of your thought process. You start to think over and over how life would be so much better for everyone if you were not in it. You have to push yourself to overcome those thoughts daily. You can't truly have a stable relationship because you always feel as though that person would be better with someone who wasn't such a burden to live with.

I might have those thoughts often, but I have learned to push those thoughts out as soon as I notice them creeping in. I still have my bad days, but I have taught myself to change those negative thoughts into positivity, by keeping myself focused on others and my social media. I came on here today because I want you to understand me better as a person, and to give you a little insight into the life I live daily, and the struggles and challenges I have to face. I want to invite you into my soul to see through my eyes and hopefully that will give you a little clearer view into the life of me, and how I live my day to day life.

One of the biggest things that have helped me while living with depression, is going to the gym every day. Going to the gym to workout helps me clear my head of all the negative thoughts that would run through my head while I sit at home. It helps me to focus on the workout and what machines I'm using, instead of focusing on the things I put in my mind. Working out also helps you get into shape, which is another reason most people are depressed. Staying in shape and looking great, helps me to feel better about the way I look, which also helps me to think more positive thoughts about myself. I know that a lot of people might think that I see myself as better than others, or that I think I am perfect, but it is actually far from that.

I started really working out in December when a cousin of mine committed suicide. Depression is not something to joke about, nor is something you should hide. It is a serious problem that some of us face, and a lot of people are too scared to tell others what they are feeling, due to the fear of judgement from their closest family and friends. Too many people feel as though they have to hide what they are feeling from the world. This world would be a much better place, if people were more open with each other. Then maybe we wouldn't lose so many people to suicide. Well that is a little bit of the things I struggle with daily, and I wanted to share it with you so you could understand me a little better. I don't want to keep rambling on, so I will leave you with this; always reach out if you feel alone. There is always someone out there who is willing to listen, even if it's a stranger. It is better to tell a total stranger what you are struggling with, then it is to give up and let go!

I hope if anything, this blog helps at least one person find their voice. My hope is that this reaches enough people to be able to make a difference in someone's life, and I hope that you find peace in knowing that you are truly not alone in this world! There are many people out there like you and I, who struggle with depression and anxiety. Just please, don't be afraid to speak up! Now that I have shared some of my story and these things I struggle with everyday, I hope this helps you find your voice if you or someone you love is struggling with depression. I hope you are able to reach out when you feel that all is lost. Just know, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!

Until next time,

Blessed Be!

Kandie Angel