Stressed and Depressed

How I ended up here!

02 OCT 2021By Kandie Angel

I have been trying to sit down and write a blog lately, but its been hard to think of something to say. I have already written about my brothers I have met, and my divorce to my third husband, as well as a blog about the new guy I started dating six months after my divorce. I went through some medical issues with my neck and shoulder for about two months which stopped me from working back in April, and caused me a lot of undue stress. now I am trying to get my finances back in order to get all caught up. Life has had its moments of stress, and having an extra person around to keep happy as well as trying to get all your own stuff done, is hard as hell. I feel like I cant keep up at times and I am starting to sink.

Too often do I feel as if I am drowning, trying to gasp for air just to stay alive. When life starts to get overwhelming like that, I have to sit back, take a deep breath and realize I can handle this journey. I'm taking care of everyone around me and I don't know what to do.

One of the problems I have though with depression, is the fact that it makes me really insecure. Like this morning for instance, I was driving my boyfriend to work and I asked him if he wanted me to bring him lunch later. His response was instantly, "No, the guy at work buys me lunch every day". I should have just been fine with that and went about my day, but I instantly started thinking he didn't want me there because of some girl or because he doesn't want to be near me. It sucks feeling as if you are alone in this world with no one who understands what you are going through. I know people around me tell me they understand all day long, but no one truly understands what I am going through. No one understands the feelings I have inside that are tearing me apart everyday. I truly feel suicidal often, but no one even asks how I am doing, or wants to know if I am ok. I don't even think the person uploading this actually reads my blog.

I bet not one person even reads this and cares, and that's fine because I am use to dealing with my depression alone. I will make it through this pain as well, I just have to find the strength again to keep going. I don't know why I feel like this a lot of the time, but it sucks. I have been feeling alone a lot lately. The more financially stressed I get, the more I feel this way. I feel as if my life is spiraling out of control. I am afraid to tell anyone around me or my fans what I am feeling because I feel as if everyone is going to run away because they expect me to be a certain way to be happy all the time. Sometimes I get so sad and not one person goes out of their way to see how I'm doing or ask if I am ok, and just so you all know, I AM NOT OK!!! I feel broken and hurt and shattered and I feel as though I am losing my mind, I am doing my best to keep it together but this is fucking hard people!!!

This is the thing, I am not saying all this to bitch and moan about poor little me because I did that my whole life and it got me no where. I am writing this because I feel as though I am on the edge of a cliff and I am about to fall! I am writing this because I have no one to talk to or to cry to when I truly need it. I call the few friends I have, and I feel as though I am burdening their life with my petty little problems that have nothing to do with their day. I feel as though I have nothing left to hold on to and I am about ready to let go. I have a boyfriend who wants to help but I don't think understands how hard it is to deal with someone like me, and I am ready to just walk away from this whole world! I just don't want to feel like this anymore. As far as it comes to the whole relationship, I need to learn how to communicate better when I am feeling like this, instead of being angry and screaming and yelling through this depressing phase in my life.

Some days are easier than others because I can keep myself busy and distracted with life's crazy days, but its the days when I try to relax. Those are the days that creep up on you and take over your whole thought process. I just need to stop feeling like my happiness is connected to others, and start taking responsibility for my own emotions. I need to start feeling whole again, and taking the time to do the work needed to be done. At some point I will pick myself up again and keep moving forward, but for now I am stuck in the crazy loop of stress and depression that I can't seem to dig my way out of the whole of depression that I have somehow put myself in.

Until next time,
Blessed Be.